Breaking Through

woah~ so long never blog liao~ guilty sia~ i wonder for a moment where my faithfulness went :X maybe i got no more supporters liao boohoo~ :( so many things changed and right now, its 22days away from my Uni convocation... time really flies and now even though after graduation n moving on a new phase, its simple incredible and unimaginable... im excited because, honestly, we all know, people move on to achieve their own success stories of their life, probably, it will be final time we can gather in such a time as this. i used to think what success mean and often, i hear a few of my friends asking me to define what success will mean. today, success often is being defined as having a high-flying job, well-remunerated job, a happy family, have big cars and big houses and so on. we really have our own definition of success and this will give us the motivation to move towards that direction we see ourselves going. for me, since a few years ago, i stongly believe for myself, success meant replicating myself and impacting the lives of others. often or even if you are reading, many will think alike that it sounds nonsensical or even rubbishly too full of myself. i don't know how or where to start but i always believe that success is making people feel success. seeing others able to achieve great heights, somewhat seems more fulfilling than me really being in that position of theirs. i used to think that if one day i become a high-flyer earning tons of money, i will be really happy. and yet, i find that thats not what i really want. no doubt that im confident of making a mark in life but yet, if given a choice, i think i rather be a mentor and help to others to guide them to their dreams. seeing people lives change has always make me happier than life itself. i don't believe that i will be happier if i led a selfish, self-centered life whereby i only live for me and myself and only I. even if people think that im foolish but who are they to judge? thus, taking a huge leap to take up a entirely bold step of faith into SOT was something i look forward to. everyday, maybe its a drag to wake up at 6am, but everyday, i have brand new insights, encounters, knowledge/information, revelations. my character and core values are constantly being challenged. my flaws are being brought out and tested. to my amazement, i only realize how weak i am, how incapable i am and how foolish i am and can be. and yet, through it all, i know i can lean on God's strength. taking a step at a time helps me to focus on strengthening my strengths and reducing my errs which i commonly fall in. and even so, it has been so trying at times to crucify my weakness and my carnal mind/flesh. during the beginning, i felt very strong in my spirit that this 2011 will be a time of breakthrough and a big one although im not sure of what it is and yet, moving on next week, a confirmation thru a prophesy and word of wisdom helped to reconfirm that feeling that was put into me. "Change, Wait, what you've been waiting for will be restored." these words really resurrected me and gave me life. i remembered few months ago, i gave away my vision and yet these words touched me deeply and im just simply withe gratitude to god... sometimes we think that we did foolish things that maybe god wont forgive us but yet, so often, god is simply waiting for us to return back to Him, just like the story of the prodigal son. i just love the story and how god exemplifies His grace and love for us even though we are rebellious and selfish. thinking it through, i only know that ive made the right decision and to sacifice and devote this 6mths even if many thinks im foolish. ultimately, im in it and not them, thus they probably will never know what it feels like. one word: Amazing.

the story so far

going through trials, challenges, tests and uncountable issues has time and time again test us. it has never been easy and sometimes it makes him wonder if everything is meant to be? he looked with envy whenever he walk down streets at others and wonder why is everything so difficult and so hard and near impossible. yes, he couldnt agree more with her that the issues they faced supercede (see the enforced word) the happy moments they share. indeed every individual is unique and definitely different but those challenges they often faced, prove to be more of a stumbling block and each time, it gets harder to overcome...

even so, many a times, even a compromise seems like a challenge. both of them, equally hotheaded, stubborn, easily-irritable... omg~ character clashed? seems like what u will get in a movie huh? lol~ ultimately, the world will only become a better place if you or me exclude ourselves right? since this way it will move towards perfection. we are all imperfect beings after all! still, the smile on her face wipes off every sadness and disappointments. the smile that dawns upon the stars. threatens to put all fear and despair at bay... (i love to use an apple a day, keeps the doctor at bay - a smile a day, keeps the pressure away! :p) anyway, given the imperfection they both faced, its inevitable that frictions will spark. ultimately, y win the battle if one will only lose the war?

moving in tat direction, slowly but surely, his female counterpart seeks to change to gain his approval but change is such a drag... he feels uptight, scared, fearful but deep down, a stir to hope against all hopes, to believe amidst all unbelief, to have faith even when all has failed again and again. the woman, to keep on improving and change, to wan to show herself worthy, to prove herself like a champ... both stumbles when the expectation and the stakes gets really high... both are experts in their fields but why cant they get out of the fix they always drop into? why have i went wrong? they both begin to wonder with no answers in mind... lost, disillusioned, detached and the space between them grows...

she wants to be a keeper, yet dont know how to? given all that pride, she holds back... why would she be following her damn brain and not her heart? the opposite happens for him!! argh~ clash yet again... yet both know deep down, the immerse feelings that draws strength for one another... it arent easy huh? he wonders because, her smile, her tenacity, her charm, her hands is his everything already... unknown to himself, she has become part of him... likewise for her, suddenly, reality strikes and he becomes constant on her mind as well... ultimatly, the real test for both of them has yet to come... sometimes both of them wonder, where's our honeymoon? OFTEN PPL SAY, honeymoon is part 1, clashes are part 2 but why are they in part 2? weird huh... still, love propels us to try again and again. thats y its still the greatest of them all along faith and hope.

god is interesting and his ways are higher than everyone's... working to please one another can b tough and thus we all have issues with one another. we avoid them but they come n hunt n cling on us... we are all "tuned" to judge, assume quickly because its how our world is shaped, yet, if we take time slowly, we may see the beauty in each other. what other people's real intentions are... if ppl we hold close to and have known for awhile, still carries the same hostility like strangers, have we spent the time to know each other gone futile? understanding and listening needs to go hand in hand to become active listening. even so, our head processes faster than the other person's speech. maybe in return of listening, ourselves can learn something new? something that we ourselves can incorporate? sometimes we can avoid? if one has to be stubborn, it would really be worth if he/she is stubborn for the right reasons, a reason, you know you are willing to give up or die for. this makes you and me a person who has an attitude, the right kind. at least, we are remembered for a worthy cause.

Who am I

Who am I? That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name, Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I? That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way, For my ever wondering heart.

Not because of who I am. But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done. But because of who you are.


I am a flower quickly fading, Here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling, Lord you catch me when I'm falling,
And you told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.


Who am I? That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love And watch me rise again
Who am I? That the voice that calm the sea,
Would call out through the rain, And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am. But because what of youve done.
Not because of what I've done. But because of who you are.

Precious

sometimes have everything become like a norm that we become complacent, expecting that it will and always be the same way, like a norm and not realizing that we have unknowingly taking things for granted already...

so much as companies offered discounts and sales to boast profit margins, locally, it has become a norm that w/o sales, the numbers tend to dwindle and today, even myself, i look forward to IT fairs for buys. reason being, that it is imbued into us that the notion itself 'sales' is what we look for commonly to give us a better reason to buy.

even so said, treating gestures and kindness of others, which are given out of love and concern, as a norm because it has always been there unchanging and consistent, is something that shouldn't been committed. at times, that complacency will bound to sip in given the fact that we're all humans but time to time, we needa put a conscious effort to review ourselves if we've done in a similar capacity to deserve these gestures showered upon us. for whatever we sow, we will surely reap. give and it will surely be given back, good measures pressed down, shaken together and running over.

and so, even so said, all of us are guilty from time to time in committing this error. some of us, with such goodness overflowing, continue to want even more without looking what we can offer ourselves. "you can give without loving, but can never love without giving", how true is this saying... and when the goodness begins to flow away from us, we begin to doubt, question or even feel betrayed. maybe we should stand in the mirror and look at ourselves and ponder, did i go wrong in any ways; or is there anything that i could have done or done more.

as i begin to ponder on this fact, it came to my remembrances a hard truth that was told to be by my brother," life is like a piece of painting, we are creating our own painting. people that come into our lives are here to add strokes to this life-painting of ours and it is up to each individual to determine how much (long) he/she wants others to draw on his/her painting." indeed, god created each and everyone of us for one purpose and a great destiny but yet, He gave us a CHOICE to choose.

at the end of the day, why so often, we want to wait to lose something or on the verge of losing it; to realize its true importance/significance/value. A friendship/relationship/kinship has a pressing call to be protected and cherished. past failures are here to remind us of the pitfalls, dangers, entrapment, mistakes we made etc to not fall into them anymore but do we all these past failures serve its true purpose? ultimately, we ourselves make these vital decisions and to some, it may seem small but our faithfulness to these small details are actually the things that are being tested.

our thought-life shapes our world; today, instead, the world/society/people shape us that we forget our real identity or what we call social-norms. Greatness comes with failures and not succumbing to social-norms because great people simply do not do what's normal and it takes sacrifice and a price to pay.

No qualms about it, none of us is perfect to begin with but yet, with this very fact of our imperfection, it makes all worthy and interesting. Learning to cope, to compromise, to learn and to love is the very essence of everything; be it a relationship or a friendship. Indeed, relationships; be it platonic or not, precedes all businesses/ministries. And ultimately, the kind of person we all become is determined by the kind of people we invest our time in, or otherwise, we mix with. Over periods of time, every individual have their own varying levels of threshold and limits; given our irrationality, love propels us beyond these limiters we have or place. Yet, so often, even so said, when all the little efforts put in goes unreciprocated, unappreciated; slowly but surely, that very hand awaiting to be clapped will dissipate.

So often, people say time will tell. Indeed, to a certain extent, this may be true. More importantly, majority use that to excuse themselves, waiting for something to happen. We do believe in mystical/magical things when we were young but we also know that such things maybe farfetched or merely do not exist now when we are older? We spend so much time waiting and when that thing that we have so much hoped for comes, we do not know what to do and how to react. Too little time? Afraid? Taken aback? Shocked? And thus when we put our hand into the plough, we still want to look back, take a step back, take a seat in the couch and carry on our old lifestyles or maybe stay in that comfort zone of ours? Maybe yes, maybe no. Life simply may have too much regrets and given a choice, I choose to move on and not to have more regrets anymore. At the very least, someone once said,” when I’m old on my death bed, I do not wish that I have any regrets that I know that I could have done and not do it… because now its simply too late…” If need be, fail your way to success because at least, you are trying. Reason being, the day one stops trying, it will be the day he/she starts dying, literally.

Time and time again, different people walk in and out of our lives leaving big and small footprints in our hearts. The extent of impart they leave is entirely dependent on how much we want them to. Ultimately, first it takes two hands to clap as one hand only beats the air. It took me 26 good years of my life to understand the essence of the term ‘friends’ but it doesn’t need much of me to understand the importance to cherish and treasure someone that I want to love. The greatest Man said that to abide in faith, hope and love and the greatest of them all is truly, love. Faith – to believe, Hope – to look forward, Love – the very foundation. Truly, one can give without loving but cannot love without giving. Love propels us to do the unimaginable.

At this very moment, I need not tell myself what I can do, what I can give or what I can do more because I know I fulfill what’s far and beyond myself. Maybe to some, these are just norms but to me, I beat my chest and say I exceeded myself once more and I’m glad I did because most importantly I tried and kept trying. Indeed, where your treasure is, there your heart will also be because when you have the heart, you will have the time.

Through it all, I think I’m still very humane. My heart is very alive and beating, a heart made of flesh and not of stone. I guess I also need someone that cares for me, appreciates me and loves me for I am too? I do not know but yes, I won’t play god because I don’t have that unfailing and unconditional love… There’s just too much about life that’s sad and negative that I know I do not want to be in that state at all and thus the reason for my positivity and my faith. I still will try but sometimes, too much waiting and too much giving and it doesn’t comes back the way it should be makes one wonder where has all that gone to. Little kind acts of gestures, thanks and love go a long way. Words of encouragement are oxygen to the soul and so often, we are brought up in a culture/environment that tells us the opposite. Therefore, maybe it could be quite important that we learn to esteem others better than ourselves.

Still remember lately someone told me that maybe I was the one immature and I began to wonder if that was the issue I had and yet, pondering over and over this matter, I wonder if it was the case because maturity comes with accepting responsibilities? “Therefore, let no one despise your youth, but be an example… in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit.” Yes, I agree I’m more long-winded, overly sensitive, more demanding, irrational and probably very different from the rest but could it be better and different from the rest rather than going through the same motion as the rest? Put our differing expectations, perceptions, comparisons, differences at home and keep them far far away; simply because every single is different and unique in his/her own ways.

WOOT!

been a long time i since updated my blog... man... talk abt faithfulness :x guess its abt time to start the habit of blogging again... 2 mths... wat a rollercoaster ride once again... one quote to surmise these 2 mths," humans, the source of problems; as well as the source of solutions..."

foremost, personal aspects, tough, extremely tough... "you cant gain something without first paying the price." this very essence of it is just nerve-breaking. for once, when making critical decisions come in play... you jus wish that there would be an easy way out and suddenly its all like extremes and far-fetching... at times, it mayb comforting to know some people are still on your side and some are not. circumstances seriously purges your friendships/relationships and real ones stick by you... you noe tt you neednt do much, even when you are wrong, they dont shoot or gun you down but instead, learn to share your sentiments and have at least, slight empathy or try to pull u to a macro-view.

i still remember, jus recently, i knew something amiss was going on alrdy and yet instead of making assumptions/accusations or even want to be fast to correct, i readjusted my stance abt the entire issue. reason being, a good leader accomodates even thought his/her people makes mistakes. this very essence came to my reminiscence. you know that although he/she did wrong, instead of being judgemental or quick to correct, you love them still even they are wrong and you think of ways to guide them and help them to see and learn... as such, thru this eventful incident, i was taught to be more gracious and to love him/her no matter what. the old me, rash, muddleheaded, judgemental, quick-tempered, hot tempered. yes im still like tt but instead, it took me to review and take a small step back to think and recompose my stance and thoughts. indeed love is patient, kind and long-suffering...

tt aside, im putting things down and trying to take new things up alrdy because i know im not a model and good leader... i love my people, no doubt about it but sadly, im not gd enuff to be on top because it takes character and consecration which i dont think i have 'em. still, i love you all and will always be there for every single one that i know you treasure me as much i do... mayb not yet, mayb not ready, mayb afraid, mayb too hard, or simply not good enuff i guess... remember, you guys are what gives me strength to carry on...

(b)
緊緊擁抱唯一的你
無可救藥的堅定
就算世界與我為敵
我也願意
我什麼都願意

alrighty! time for me to hit back at my work... i was extremely disappointed about someone with something and it has affected me so adversely tt im gonna work so hard now. im very sorry because you just offended me tt bad tt i feel extremely sorry for you. yes, you may think its for the betterment of me but sadly, its so so wrong.... :)