Stones

its been awhile since i blogged coz i'm busy with my prep for my exam this coming sat. i was thinking whether should i blog abt this matter thats been on my mind this couple of days but heck, i decided to "rant" about it afterall since its my blog! *like pst; this is my church, i can say what i want!" lol~

anyway, i've been dealt with another blow which i thought i could easily overcome since i discern with a second confirmation fr a dear one some time back. sometimes i believe most think alike that; if possible, one would rather let a premonition not come to pass. i simply overestimated myself and my capacity. the truth only set me back further and this was probably the "finishing blow" for me. it came no better time than a week before my exam likewise 2 months plus ago. if anything is bad, i think this is probably the worse state of mind i'm in. i thought i could be cool about it but i was so wrong.

i began to wonder what have i done to reap such catastropohic fruits. i wanted to cry but it seems that my tears have either dried up or the anger/anguish/despair has flushed in and overtaken my head. i prayed but i couldn't rid my head of possible images even till today. yesterday was worse and i totally couldnt concentrate at all. sat i almost ruin a friend's bday. is this something i deserve, i questioned myself. the belief, vision, dreams and love given to your closet aides and it all came back in a way which haunts you, i simply am exasperated and lost. if you ask me, am i angry, i would give a outright yes and if possible, i wanted to be vengeful. someone told me to get back at them in all sorts of ways but i knew by doing that, i would only hurt and shortchange myself.

Yet, is this how my god will react? that would definitely be a no-no. to repay such outcomes with love is what i'm taught but words are easier said than done. i learnt and been repetitive with my words that love is kind and such words are words that would appear time and again even when ugly images showed themselves in my mind. can i comprehend the situation, i can't and yet i had to deal with them. i could simply label them anything and think the worst of the whole thing and yet, i wanted to shower them with the benefits of doubt even though it pierces my heart deeper and deeper.

i told god: you healed my heart and sew it and now its being stabbed again and torn apart, i cant handle this. If being at the forefront to be a CGL meant so much, can i not be one? but i already had my answers before even i asked because i knew i had to account only to one person. inasmuch it pierces my heart so deep that even i could almost feel it physically, i knew i had to love and forgive and even bless them... as i was in a state of despair, i remembered something which i wanted to share,

to pick up the
1) Stone of the Past-His goodness
2) Stone of Prayer
3) Stone of Priority-God-first
4) Stone of Passion-run on!
5) Stone of Persistence-keep on keeping on

i'm really thankful for Him and all the good people around me once again coz as emotions well themselves up inside this very moment, i couldnt help but want to cry but this i know are tears of joy and victory. Crisis really breaks us but let's champion them! :)