Friday, June 24, 2011

4mths and on.... wow wow wow! time flies like nobody's business!! looking back, i wan time to STOP pleaseeeeeeeee! lol~ really, time flew pass without much notice, at least for me... it has been probably the best and yet one of the most trying periods of my life. juggling sot, ministry, work, assignments, was probably insanity to most~ yet, it has really made the best out of me each day.

recently, it dawns upon me to look at my current form, my past form and my future form. it has really become less of myself and more of others. more of placing others before my own desires and needs. yes, i still have my 'selfish' wants but yet, it seemed more easier to cast them aside as compared to the past. the tendency to get worked up becomes less. rather, at the moment, it is indefinite to become indifferent but i start to wonder if there was another way that i could have went wrong. lol~ feels nostalgic...

life really's gotta be progressive.. i ponder so much that i become worrisome about my future after sot and other things that i can sapped in this recent weeks but god has never failed to comfort me despite my stubbornness... really, as you begin to pour yourself out and give, like how the word says that water and you'll be watered, just prove to be so true. still, i craved very very much for a clear direction of what's after... this life, lets make it count, to live a life of legacy... ultimately, we all have certain desires and dreams and we badly sought and fight for but, what is really next when we fulfill them? people pursue money, status, fame, success, career, family etc. yet, what happens after that? maybe to some, it is farfetched to even ponder about this, but we just haf to put on our visionary binoculars to look ahead. maybe then, one may realise that it is more than all this... we all have this insatiable nature within us and we're unable to fill them with a true purpose, it will be more of money after you gotten money, more of status after you gotten status, so on. the main key, is to leave a legacy, and its up to each of us to define that...

as my pursuit to step up to my next level, i just want to remain sober of what makes me to be. i know i've been given much and thus, with the little i have, i trust that it will be made much. but no matter how insignificant it seems to most now, the vital point is to keep on keeping on-which is the hardest part. sometimes, it can be seemed a folly, but as long the very godly peace is in my heart, its worth it... our humanistic behaviour tells me is dumb to wait and its really tough to be patient but if i rashly rush in, maybe it will be yet another loop i needa go again to move forward... i agree with pst that as we mature, we really learn to pace ourselves better, or rather, slower because god is not in the wind, nor fire nor earthquake, but in the still small voice, reserved for those who wait on Him.

yes, i admit im inadequate, im afraid, very afraid somemore, extremely intimidated but yet, looking back, no god, no joshua, no nothing....

when you look me in the eyes

If the heart is always searching,
Can you ever find a home?
I've been looking for that someone,
I'll never make it on my own.
Dreams can't take the place of loving you,
There's gotta be a million reasons why it's true

When you look me in the eyes,
And tell me that you love me.
Everything's alright,
When you're right here by my side.
When you look me in the eyes,
I catch a glimpse of heaven.
I find my paradise,
When you look me in the eyes.

How long will I be waiting,
To be with you again
Gonna tell you that I love you,
In the best way that I can.
I can't take a day without you here,
You're the light that makes my darkness disappear.

More and more, I start to realize,
I can reach my tomorrow,
I can hold my head high,
And it's all because you're by my side.

Monday, April 25, 2011

i was just chilling out ytd night sleeping in for many many hours aft going for a small mini gathering cum celebration at CM-PB at dempsey. then i was reading something that caught my attention even later i saw something shocking! @.@

okok, taking the explicit matter aside, the heart of the matter was it amazes one that despite failures, strengths can be retained and flaws can be reduced or cast aside bit by bit. i saw a beautiful story foretold which touched me. like i shared earlier on, despite all in all, nothing in me will change the way i will ever heart the woman i hold. it was more magical was that the person wrote in a manner that surpasses," i will never ever let go..." a love that gives will bring about such revelation to one...

i wrote on my fb on sat aft my convo coz it dawned upon me when i saw a note that "some people are just around to rub shoulders with you but there are also those who are willing to go with you through it all..." i vividly remembered that once, someone having received much, not having to pay back his/her gratitude, sought to take yet again. i don't know what was going through the mindset but yet, it only further sadden or disappointed me. seeing such a situation, it only brought a sense of despair because even though there're givers and receivers in this world, there's also the term that what goes around will come around... without remorse, i will say that though we were all strangers to begin with, the saddest part will be having to return to a state of that beginning.

as i graduate, i will want to hold on to the bonds i treasure when i told my close mates that if we don't upkeep the friendships/relationships, it will be lost over time. i think it was through thick and thin, we value one another. an atmosphere of celebration hid a tinge of sombre feeling. those that weren't really close ties suddenly became valuable (apart from those really hi-bye to begin with). thanks and gratitude were exchanged but not casually because who knows when will we cross paths again...

our human selfish nature really deteriorated our society and how we treat one another... sometimes, even being taught to love in our own religion, we still cant escape this fact that we take people for granted. we choose to pick 'fire-fighting' instead of prevention and later realise that maybe it was too late after all? what to do? if only i chose to heart wisdom but given so, having more wisdom, to me at least, can be a scary part but still i will still want more wisdom because i really so much want to do the right things, say the right things at the right time.

I learnt that its really much easier to trust in what's convenient and easiest thing at hand to use it but probably it will not yield the best results but still get the job done. but maybe if i be still and wait and ponder, it will help... thus when people say they will not be like so and so, its really easier said than done and we're all guilty of this matter. because sometimes, certain things have been ingrained into us and we commit the same old mistakes that others have done before and we wonder why (if we ever realise).

really, let us, at least for me, to learn to CHOOSE LOVE... at least the motivation will set forth a new dimension... on sat, my buddy insisted that its firm that im the one at fault when something went wrong some time back. it was easy to want to defend but i said without a second thought that yup, regardless what, its my fault despite that eagerness to prove my point. without a doubt, despite so, if i choose love, though in the eyes of everyone that i was wrong, it will be alright because god is judge and not me. we want to prove a million points and seriously, whatever to our points and crap. why try so hard!?!? if my motivation was love, that says it all... one day, the account is answered not to man and even i try so hard, it amounts to nothing... Let's choose love...

Saturday, April 23, 2011


Commonly, lately, I've been seeing people doing Reflections on their lives and of course, they're always beautiful works and words that exemplify their 'story so far'. Thus, entering 2011 2nd quarter, I've seeing milestones or reflections of my life. This has been thus far a little tipsy turvy road but yet a road filled with god's awesome hand and works of grace and blessing, at least for my menial life.

Moving into 2011, has brought about great intensity, rashness but yet grace abounded when all seemed to be in a slur. March, church moving her 3rd milestone of possessing the land of Suntec, brought huge applauses and resounding sounds of thunder and triumph which was a sight to behold and though many saw the celebration, really, how many people went through the plow and to see their tears and hard work in the field to see this awesome splendor. People who put in, will really have the deepest heartfelt love and joy in this momentous event. Though Ive not done much or barely, I saw how pastor went through the depths of the pit and betrayal and all forms of attack from every pOssible directions. Myself, having doing through a similar phase but not as this severity, could somewhat relate and seeing him sharing the little experiences with us in SOT, only brought me to my kneels to always learn that I'm just a meagre being. But if we learn to lean on Him, it becomes big coz you suddenly become a huge part.

Going to SOT has been incredible. Discipline is the main key to success. 2mths into this and I never feel an ounce of boredom nor dryness... Having gone through 4.5 years of part time studies whilst working, I thought I could manage it well but it's I thought better kind of thing. Lol~ easier said than done seriously. Thus far, I love school, mates and god even more coz Im taught of His unconditional love and sacrifice..

Finally, milestone no.1, today, I'm attending my university convocation! My heartfelt thanks to all that made it possible. It aren't easy but still, we pushed through! 2.5years diploma, 2years university! All those who made it possible, thank you. Of course, I thank a special someone that encouraged me to pursue this road of academics but sadly, unable to stay special but still, baby steps are important. Thanks too! ;) lastly I thank my god to see me through this 4.5 years and yet, unchanging, unfailing... Long but worth it!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

You Are For Me

YouTube - You Are For Me - Kari Jobe: "

So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all you do

You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
and you love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come now, even if to write upon my heart
to remind me who you are

So patient So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all you do "

if music is the only thing left, it will be best tool to express to out feelings. the chorus burns deeply because even when we're weak, we can find strength. when we go thru valley experiences, we can still push thru and forward. to go through pruning thats only for our own good so we can only become better in the lord. i love god because i will fail, men will fail, we all will fail, our achievements will fail but He remains faithful and true. He's not a theology, not one that we cannot touch or feel. yet, in His sovereignty, He came to meet with us. to learn that nothing in this world attracts me anymore but only to live for His desires. nothing i sought will give me the satisfaction anymore because its only futile and neverending dissatisfaction after another. my friend told me that she's too nice and naive and her friends cant believe she's like that but amidst that, it dawn upon me that love propels us to do great "exploits" because Genuine love is real and true; one that doesnt lie or seek its own. what i can say, it causes one to do what's foolish in the eyes of others but beautiful in the sight of her beloved and herself. a love so true that only god has, to die for you and me. a god thats jealous for us to return to Him ultimately. i don't know if my love is true enough for Him but im learning. and i know that as i yield my own crown, it will become an everlasting love. if i have a chance to love someone again, this is still what i sought to. a love thats only true...

Monday, April 4, 2011


mon!!! finally, the drag is over >,< tiring... today, i was sitting in office calling den at abt 4+ before my meeting, i was just browsing through some video, as i browse through them, suddenly, it ignited a passion when i was abt 18...

i dunno why but whenever i see dance movies, videos, street dance or performance, there's just something in me that's being stirred... i still remember one of my bestie who was together with me when i was in choir (donkey years ago), went to join the church dance ministry and after he got in, i asked him about the audition and stuff. after he related to me how the audition went, i felt really intimidated... i always wondered if i had the groove, the vibes and the ability to pursue this thing called, Dance. after when i went NS, i was influenced by my mates to go clubbing and honestly speaking, i enjoyed it. the booze really helped me to realise my energy on the dancefloor though i strongly felt i was simply making a fool out of myself.

jus last year, someone close chanced upon me dancing despite me seldom stroding my clumsy moves and started questioning if i frequent clubs and if i often dance with girls :x i was confident whenever i had a glass or two but never really felt confident of myself showing to others unless they were really close to me and even so, i still had much reserves. this thought din linger much till last year end and most recently, for my company event. i shan't say much about it lest people think i boast >,< but they really gave me much encouragement in believing i had the flair for dancing. tho i dunno why or how, but it really felt good and i really feel like dancing and be trained to do so to better be equipped... i begin to think how can i improve the team's dance and how i wanna make things more creative and attractive. today, i just do not know why, but i went to the church website to see if there were still dance ministry despite us moving this ministry into a more professional platform, O school; taught by real professionals. it really excite me and i spoke to my colleague who encouraged me to do so as im not young anymore and that term alone kinda incited my "wrath" haha, to give it in a more serious thought.

thinking now, many people express their frustrations, feelings, emotions and heart through many avenues and dance is truly one of them. sometimes as i begin to pick up my guitar and sing, there can be a point that you feel that you stagnate and cant push higher. yet when i begin to dance, even on a small platform, it really feels good. it feels that those emotions that you cant show it through words being expressed out in actions and yet, gracefully... something where u mix ballet with hip-hop, a tinge of grace with a groove to it...

im still thinking of it and i remember a beautiful person wanting to pursue ballet again although it may seem difficult but still, if possible, and proper time managment, i really think its possible! ballet, beautiful, graceful, even the ugly duckling will evolve into a beautiful white swan... where boundaries are meant to be broken because you are the main character if you feel you are it. our agendas and pursuits in life thats shaped by the mediocracy of this world. i think ultimately, we all have just one life to live, make it count, worthwhile and lets not have any regrets :) peace.

tomorrow will be better, gambatte :Pp

Sunday, April 3, 2011

being faithful

sometimes a small argument allows one to set him/her thinking in depth. to recognise the core causes or issues in play. thinking though, i ponder again on Faithfulness and decided to search up the web for a full definition of it

Faithfulness Define Faithfulness at "1. strict or thorough in the performance of duty: a faithful worker. 2. true to one's word, promises, vows, etc. 3. steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant: faithful friends. 4. reliable, trusted, or believed. 5. adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original; accurate: a faithful account; a faithful copy. 6. Obsolete . full of faith; believing."

Faithfulness: "Faithfulness : [ < Latin fides < assumed Indo-European bheidh- (to trust, have faith in, abide in)] The quality of being faithful. The word 'faithful' means loyal, full of faith or trust; firmly and resolutely sticking with a person, group, cause, belief, or idea, without waver."

looking through those definitions, and abstracted from the Latin translation, we see both are synonymous and i especially like the words by the Latin translation without waver.

constant or being consistent is the key to bringing stability. sometimes, if i could, i really hate it to be the bad guy in the story just to paint a clearer picture or bring the truth more blatantly to another person. we all have different sets of beliefs, values, perspectives and principles; yet it brings to my reminiscence of the world is one and you are one with it. irrational as one may seem or different; yet, using a critical analysis to resolve problems but with experience and maturity, ive learnt that there're times, i would rather sought to use a way that someone has used before and appeals to me to resolve an issue. therefore, listening is called an art because anyone can hear. moving on, there're times, many things are not so easy spoken out given the change in the situation and/or circumstances. even so, practising wisdom, the need to view one's position before reacting will certainly bring about greater management of a difficult situation.

sometimes, after much hurt is done, what's left is only 2 choices, to make amendments or simply ignore it as if nothing has happened and move on. if the former is chosen, for myself who went through, i only know one thing is for sure is, the need to really humble myself and constantly consciously remind myself of what im doing this for and the goal i seek. of course, choosing the latter, its indeed the easiest way out but, even so, god is a impartial god. one day, whatever we sow will surely reap and you'll have to learn to overcome either early or later in life. but so, it is easier to sought restitution or reconciliation early because, the wise is meek and humble and chooses the righteous way. no man is perfect still, but yet, the need to constantly reflect and think things through will help us to become better people. as i sought to forgive and forget, and yet, it takes time and patience and wisdom from the other party (if any) to show remorse, repentence, change, willing to make things right and love, to cover the past. one thing for sure is, the past is meant to be forgotten and forgiven but also serves as a reminder to never drop into the same pithole and make the same mistakes, otherwise, nothing has changed. you are still the same yesterday.

if one is eager, she will be willing. a willing attitude will give you 5 things:
a) Willingness releases the Ability in you to do the job.
b) Willingness gives you tremendous Energy.
c) Willingness brings with it Strategies.
d) Willingness makes you Teachable.
e) Willingness brings you the Blessings of god.

why do i constantly reiterate the importnace of faithfulness, humility, meekness and teachability? this is because, the cornerstone of a person's character is Faithfulness and respect is not mandated but it is really earned. one day, as you begin to move up in life, it is not about you ability to command people to work, but its really what you can do even more for your employees or subordinates. thats y, our attitude determines our altitude. the higher we go, the need to be even more willing to serve. our gifts and talents will usher us promotion but it take character to stay up there.

honestly speaking, having a better character is not for my own sake but should be everyone's goal to become a person of character. im longwinded but because i believe the need to be wise with my words, thinking and actions. you may think im selfish, im harsh but really, why do i bring myself to your level and compare? and really, i rather you come to my level and learn... its fun if someone walks together. there's no need for small mentalities but its important to grow at similar rates...